Back Again

(CW - sexual abuse, trauma)

It’s strange to come back into this space after more than a year. Originally when I started writing here, it was with the intention of making it a semi-regular thing as a way to update people about the comings and goings of my life, and to offer a glimpse at some of the things happening behind the scenes in my studio. I’ve always enjoyed reading blogs and seeing what other artists and makers are up to in their day-to-day lives, so I figured, why can’t I do something like that, too? Unfortunately, not long after I set up this little blog and started writing, my life was quite suddenly turned on its head, and I simply couldn't find it in me to share what was happening, or to go on writing as if all was well when it wasn't. And so the blog lay dormant and eventually forgotten, until a few days ago when I was journaling, and I realized how much I missed writing, specifically with the intention of sharing.

Like with sharing handmade art, sharing writing is an act of vulnerability. I believe that the more vulnerable we are, the more connected we become to the rest of humanity. I think sharing truth and finding what we have in common with others is necessary in order for us to move forward in our lives with compassion and empathy. I love reading about the ups and downs of other maker's journeys as they navigate the waters of living a creative life, and I love getting to glimpse what their lives are like behind the curtain. And although my life doesn't always feel particularly exciting or interesting, it's still worth it to me to show up and be vulnerable in the hopes that what I share might impact someone else in the same way that other people's writing has impacted me.

I'm also a fairly prolific reader, and typically drawn to stories centered around trauma. I've read dozens of memoirs about all kinds of subject matter, but what they all have in common is an author not afraid to speak their truth and share it with the world. How many passages have I read about the most difficult subject matter imaginable and found myself relating to the author, if not directly in experience, than in their emotional response? How many times have I finished a book and hugged it to my chest, feeling that indescribable connection to someone I've never met? I'm drawn to truth and bravery and honesty, and I admire those that aren't afraid to share themselves fully, even and especially when it's hard. And while I hardly have the following or even likelihood of many people reading this, I still long to be brave and share my truth here today, even if no one sees it.

So here goes.

In September of 2022, shortly after I turned 33, I learned that I had been sexually abused as a toddler by my step-father. This was something I had always had a vague notion of, but I had blocked the majority of the trauma out as a form of self-protection. I still have no idea what made it come back to me at that time or why, but it completely changed my life. My marriage fell apart. My family was devastated. My relationship with my siblings (my step-father's biological children) was altered. And then just as I was trying to wrap my head around the events themselves and banging my head against the wall asking why this had happened, my step-father went into cardiac arrest and was hospitalized and placed in a medically-induced coma. My family flocked to his side and I was left alone, reeling from feelings of guilt for having come out to them about my experiences mere weeks before he nearly died. Grief was all-consuming. My mom was beside herself, not knowing how to support both me and my two siblings who needed her while their dad was fighting for his life. I told her to go be with them, that I would be fine. I meant it. But instead, I regressed. I clammed up, shut down every feeling I had about my trauma, and buried it back in the place it had been stored for the previous 29 years.

To be completely honest, I still haven't fully processed it or dealt with it. My step-father survived his cardiac arrest and life basically went back to normal. But I couldn't write anymore. Writing would have meant opening myself up to vulnerability, and that was something I couldn't handle. That, and with everything else going on in my marriage and the holidays approaching, I just said to hell with it, and abandoned ship.

Shortly after all that drama unfolded, my work began to change. I stopped making pieces that were too introspective and symbolic because I didn't want to open myself up to pain. I began to play with more layers and textures, and I found a love of hexagonal shapes and created a series of pieces called Hex Necklaces.

I loved these designs, and still do. They're some of my favorites to date. But they still didn't take on the same meaning for me as the original one I made in celebration of my three-year sobriety anniversary.

This year, I decided to change things. I wanted to create more pieces that carried meaning, so I started by reimagining some older designs.

Stitched Necklace. The original was from 2019.

Yesterday as I was journaling, I kept thinking about how the passage of time is so healing, and how grateful I am to no longer be stuck in the days where it felt like I could barely catch my breath. And suddenly the idea for a necklace sprang into my head, and I just had to bring it to life. I spent today crafting it, in between baking pumpkin bread and petting the dogs. I don't know if anyone will really connect with it, but it feels important to me.

Progress of my latest work. This still needs a patina touch-up, and a final polish.

Moon phases, to me, represent the passage of time. Lungs, the reminder to breathe. In other words: when you're in pain, when it feels unbearable, remember that eventually, it will pass. And in the meantime, don't forget to breathe. Everything will be okay.

This is my reminder, too.

Going forward, I hope to make more work that feels authentic and introspective. I feel like I’ve been holding myself back out of fear, but the time has come to change that. If I can be brave with my words, surely I can be brave with my designs? I guess time will tell.