Here goes nothing.

Honestly, I don’t know how to start a blog. I’ve been looking at other blogs today that I enjoy, trying to see how people go about the beginning. Do I make some kind of awkward declaration that this is my first ever post, or do I just jump right in? Sitting down to start, it strikes me that all I’m intending to do with this space is share my truth, whatever that looks like and hope that someone may feel connected to it in some small way. Or at the very least it can be a journal of sorts for me to come back to when I need it. So in the spirit of truth telling and journaling there are a few things I would like to share about what my life currently looks like today: Tuesday, March 29th, 2022.

Tuesday Truths:

1) Sometimes I get so caught up in the idea of something that when it comes time to execute it, I lose all steam and collapse in puddle of shame and self doubt. This weekend was a prime example of this pattern I have. All week I had been looking forward to getting in my studio and creating something beautiful. I pictured myself hard at work, the muse strong at my back, propelling me onward while I crafted a piece of jewelry that would embody everything that feels true and relevant in my life, all executed perfectly in metal and stone. Of course it rarely, if ever, works out this way. The picture I have in my head will forever be an idealized version of how things typically go. Realistically, if I don’t have the time or energy to bring a piece of jewelry to life right when inspiration strikes, the spark will often fade. (Liz Gilbert talks a lot about this phenomenon in her book, Big Magic.) So when Sunday rolled around and I sat down at my bench, every idea I had that week- every vestige of creativity- fell right out of my head. I spent the next two hours desperately trying to force an idea into my brain so that my day didn’t feel completely wasted. I sat at the counter in my kitchen, sketchbook at the ready, trying desperately to find that spark again. Eventually I settled on a design and got to work.

What resulted was a piece of jewelry whose concept I liked, but whose execution I did not.

I made this hand that was meant to look like it was dropping seeds. Kind of a Spring themed piece, but also speaking more to the act of growing and nourishing our own beauty. Unfortunately, I never got to really explore this theme because this piece never made it that far. I took it out of the tumbler and saw that it had not in fact turned out like I wanted it to at all.

In the moment, part of me wanted to just post it anyway and see if someone wanted to buy it at a discount. All that work for nothing never feels good. But the more I looked at it, the more I didn't like it, and I don’t sell work I don’t like. Instead, I posted a photo in my IG stories with a brief explanation about why it didn't work out, and was touched when I received lots of kind messages of encouragement and ideas on how to fix it. I toyed with a few of the suggestions, and resolved to come back to the design another day. But what struck me later that evening was the real reason why the piece didn't work. Which was, to put it simply: because I forced it.

I can't tell you how many times I've had to learn this lesson. Or how many times after learning it I tell myself: never again. But here it is, once again, for the people in the back. You cannot force creativity. You just can't. Well, maybe you can, but I can't. It's the same ride every time. I settle on a design without fully thinking it through, most often when I’m feeling stressed and overwhelmed about having nothing to share. I sit down to make it, trying to figure it out as I go (which, allow me to say, works out great when the muse is strong and creativity is flowing) and inevitably, it fails.

Now, I understand fully that I am my own worst critic and there were many people who reached out to tell me they thought the pendant turned out just fine. Those messages were so thoughtful and much appreciated. But there's an energy that goes into handmade work. When you sit with something for hours, giving it shape and form, I believe a little piece of your heart and soul becomes imprinted onto that work. So when I go to send something out into the world, the only energy I want to send with it is the energy that comes directly from the muse. Looking back at that piece, before I even went to tumble it, I instinctively knew it wasn't right. But I forced it anyway, just as I forced its creation that morning and so the end result, while frustrating, was hardly surprising.

So, the biggest truth I can offer this week is don't rush creativity. When your muse is off somewhere else, give yourself a break. Read a book, go for a hike, make a delicious meal, or simply relax. Above all, don't beat yourself up. This happens all the time and the muse will always come back.

I scrapped the hand. When I dropped it inside the tin I save my scrap in, I glimpsed many other pieces that didn’t make it, pieces I had long forgotten about.

2) I am so ridiculously excited to plant my first garden this year. I love winter, but typically by February I'm over the cold and ready to welcome in every living green thing. I've been thinking a lot about how fortunate we are to finally own a home because I can start making some of my dreams a reality at last, starting with the yard. For years, I've wanted to grow my own food in my own backyard. I've enviously looked at photos and videos on IG of people stepping outside, colander in hand, harvesting their dinner. Well, with any luck, this year that will be me, too. I've got two more beds to build, bunny fencing to buy and install, and packets of seeds waiting to be opened and buried in the dirt. I'm starting with two different types of kale because I'll eat a hearty kale salad every day for lunch in the summer. Then there's cucumbers, watermelon, peppers, all the herbs, and squash. We’re starting simple this year, but my dream is to one day have most of my food come from my home, grown and harvested all by ourselves.

3) There are few things more important to me than feeling connected to nature. I finally bought myself my first real pair of hiking boots and I don't know why I ever waited so long. I'm in love with the woods, with the stillness that can only be found when you unplug and immerse yourself in the world we were meant to live in. Hiking is what I do when I'm too caught up in my own head. It’s the place I go when my inner critic tells me I’m not enough, that I’ll never make it. I don’t listen to music. I just put one foot in front of the other and focus on the sound of my steps, the river, the birds, and the rustling of leaves. And somehow after an hour or two, heart beat strong in my chest, limbs stretched out, I come back into myself. One day I will make this a daily practice.

4) When it comes to books and TV, I normally I like to immerse myself in one thing at a time. I tend to read one book, or watch one show from start to finish. Yet lately I've been all over the place. I'm currently reading three books at once and we paused season 5 of Angel to binge all of Bridgerton over the weekend. (Worth it.) I don't know where this behavior has come from, because normally this kind of thing would drive me crazy- but I’m honestly having too much fun to care.

*Also, the third book would not have happened had my mom not left a $20 gift card to Target here for us to use and had Wes not steered us into the book section when we were there the other day grabbing the really good noodles for fancy ramen. I spotted The Road Trip by Beth O’Leary and had to have it. She wrote The Flatshare which I devoured two years ago and I had no idea she had written another book. Most of what I read tends to be memoirs usually centered around death or addiction, so in the holy name of Balance, I’ve made it a point to seek out some go-to authors for some delightfully lighthearted fun. Beth O’Leary is right up there with Josie Silver and Casey McQuiston and I’m here for it.

5) Today I chopped all the rest of my hair off. I cut it short a month ago but decided it was still too much, so today I went the rest of the way. After trying for years to reach mermaid hair status I gave up when I realized that's just not who I am. I loved my long hair, but I wore it in a bun every day because I couldn’t be bothered to style it. I will never be the woman who gets a blow out (that's what they're called right?) or wears makeup, or shaves off her natural body hair. As each year passes, I grow a little more comfortable in my natural state and that's good enough for me.